Every day, the Molotov cocktail thrower inside me seems determined that my hopes and dreams never see the light of day. Who cares what you do, or say, or write? That voice in my head constantly admonishes me. You’re wasting your time. You’re a nobody. A loser. Give it up, bro. Get a real job. Crawl in your hole!
I don’t think of myself as a pessimist, any more than my multiple-x-daily emotional “reboots” make me a Pollyanna. Yeah, no doubt I’m channeling depression, anxiety and irrational fear. Like a lot of people these days. And so my go-to remedy is…(??) Well, to just as irrationally keep on going, writing, making music… trying to get more of my true self out there. Every day. For no better reason than WHAT ELSE CAN I DO?
I know it’s a real possibility that some—who knows, most?—of the amazing music and writing and art and ways to make the world a better place that are all swirling around in my brain will never happen here in my days on Earth. And if that’s the case, that no one will miss it.
How does that make me feel? Deflated. Powerless. Invisible. Of course! But I can honestly live in this moment with whatever happens in the future. I’m resigned to be at peace with The Universe. Yes, I still care. And hope for a breakthrough. And in any event, I’m still alive. So I figure there must be some reason for all of this??
This is my existential exercise, more or less, every single day before I motivate myself to write even one word. And if it’s a good day, the next thing I’ll do is reassess everything and wrestle with all of my “to do” lists: Is this or that worth doing? What do I need to re-prioritize to make this or that happen? What can I realistically accomplish in my time today? This week? This month? Ever? Where do I start??
This typically then devolves into a growing panic and feeling overwhelmed. How does everybody else manage this? I wonder. My “to-do” lists are so long as it is and yet I keep finding new things to do (and rediscovering old check list items that still seem relevant and worthy of doing). Man! THERE’S JUST SO MUCH I WANNA DO.
I began skidding down that embankment this morning, but then realized my predicament isn’t necessarily such a bad thing–if I frame it right. So I think back: How often have I been told by bosses at my old jobs that my backlog of tasks “to do” should be considered job security? Well, this time it’s my own tasks and lists. That is, all the stuff I REALLY WANNA BE DOING. So how could I complain? Reframe: THIS IS FREAKING AWESOME.
Now that my head is on straight, I just need to get back to priority #1: MY MUSIC!!